I write things in my head all day long. I promise that I have book two written, it’s just not on paper yet. My heart yearns to write and share my heart over and over again, but in this season of motherhood I’m currently doing semi-okay in…
It’s hard to find time to wash my hair, much less share my heart. I haven’t lost passion for blogging, I’ve just lost the time.
This afternoon my heart was pulled back into it’s rightful place, here with you all , sharing my heart.
God placed two women that I had met once before, years ago to push me to start writing again.
” Have you finished book number two?”
” Oh, in my head I have. “
Then , our six year old said something that made me want to show our children to stand back up when you fall. To fight for the things you love, make time for them, and nurture them. Our passions are so important and life giving. Our children are watching us, focusing in on the things we love and the things that trip us up.
Rhema’s face grew solemn as she held our newest baby Luca, almost three months old. I thought perhaps I had phrased the question wrong, did she not understand me? So, I asked her again.
” How many Grandbabies are you going to give Momma? You know I LOVE babies!”
” I’m not going to get pregnant. I’ll just adopt.”
” Why baby? I think that’s great, but why don’t you want any of your own?”
” I think mine will die just like yours did.”
There are not many words I can describe to you of how that felt for my daughter to say that sentence, much less the minutes that passed by as tears streamed down my face. I don’t know how long we sat there in silence, or what was going through her head.
Rhema is our child that constantly adds in her two sisters and brother in heaven to our bedtime prayers.
” God bless Judie ( Jude ), Haddie and Alba. Kiss them for me Jesus.”
She relentlessly tells me that I have 7 and not just 4 children. She is very invested in their lives, not by my own doing, but by her own sensitive spiritual gifting that she has been given. Constantly telling me that she sees them as she’s playing outside , and how much she loves them.
I’ve never pressed talking about her siblings to her, this has come naturally.
She knows what each one looks like, and their personalities.
What seemed like a decade passed before I muttered the words:
” Oh baby, just because Mommy lost babies doesn’t mean you will.”
” Yes, I will. “
It was the first time in my motherhood journey that I didn’t have an answer for her. I didn’t have anything comforting to say. I felt helpless, with my hands tied behind my back. I wanted to give her comfort, and reassure her that that would NEVER happen to her. That she wouldn’t have to say goodbye to a child too soon.
But I can’t promise her that.
I can pray with all my might, I can bless her womb and I can call life forth. I can pray over her pregnancies and love each child she brings forth.
But I cannot protect her from a loss.
I think my heart broke today. I think I’m finally learning what it truly means to hand your children over to Jesus. Really, really hand them over.
My clutch on them until now has been air tight. It’s coming to a season where trust will have a new name for me. I can’t control their environment outside of our home.
I’m not meant to.
Life can be heartbreakingly hard, and we can love Jesus with all of our might and follow him, but inevitably things happen that don’t always feel good.
I would never wish the pain of losing a child on my worst enemy, much less my own daughter. But if I can show her anything it’s this:
Life is hard, but Jesus is good. His character isn’t determined by my experiences.
I have to get up every morning and remind myself that though we live in a harsh world, my Father is not harsh.
I refuse to let my grief, my shortcomings, my anger or resentment define who I am in Christ. Who I am as a Mother.
My response to Rhema was eventually this:
” You and your siblings made me a better Momma. All of you. Even though I get sad, I know where you all are, you’re in my heart.”
I will always strive to be real with our children. Show them that when the enemy steals from us, it is NOT forever. We will always get back what was stolen, in this life or the next.
We cannot live in fear of the unknown, or possible outcome. We have to live and walk in his great love that casts out all fear. We have to live boldly.
I’m writing because I love it. I’m writing because it’s who I am. I’m writing to cast out fear. I’m writing for her.