The celebration of this new life growing inside me has pushed aside my dead children.
There, I said it. What kind of Mother am I?
It’s as if in my mind, in order to be happy for this new child, I can no longer focus on the ones I lost.
I’ve become one track minded. Blindsided.
In the beginning of this pregnancy, I decided to not compare this child to the ones that didn’t make it. I trained my mind to be positive, to only focus on the life of this one child. No comparisons, no more grief.
I cut off the tears and the daydreams. I cut out the visions of them in heaven. All of it.
I couldn’t deal.
Thought I tried, so very hard to shield myself from heartache, heartache did not go far. It just waited for me outside my front door.
Today I heard a knock at that door, and opened it.
I saw her out of the corner of my eye, swinging her legs back and forth from the golf cart seat. Her blonde hair longer than the last time I saw her, months and months ago. Her face older. Wiser.
She seemed to have been waiting on someone to take her for a ride. Patiently she sat there, no judgement in her face towards me for abandoning her. Her own Mother choosing to not think of her.
I turned the vacuum off and whispered to her:
” I’m so sorry.”
Just as quickly as I saw her , she was gone. Just like her life span in my womb, her life touching mine, and never letting go.
I used to simply close my eyes and see her and her siblings playing in heaven. At a moments notice I would drop everything just to see their faces. It was, is , a gift my heavenly Father gave me to help me cope with the losses.
When I learned I was with child again, I knew I couldn’t bare to focus on my angel babies, and the new life growing. I couldn’t multitask this. What if my grief overcame me and hurt this new baby? What if my body rejected this baby just like the others?
I had to focus solely on this new child. My mind clear of grief and thoughts of despair.
So I did just that. This baby grew and grew as I tried to forget my angels. Days went by without me thinking of them. My focus only on new life. Healthy life.
Days turned into months until I hit a brick wall.
I feel I was allowed to see Alba today for her to show me she was waiting on me. Just as she sat alone on that golf cart, carefree, swinging her legs, simply waiting….
She’s been waiting on her Momma.
She’s been so patient to wait on me to hop back in the literal driver’s seat and take her for a spin. To let my hair down and have fun with her again.
Until today, I couldn’t do that. It was mentally and emotionally impossible for me to focus on both my dead and alive children all at once. My mind couldn’t do it.
It is perhaps this new life that is bringing healing from the ones I’ve lost.
But today I am learning that no matter what ” new thing ” you receive in life, nothing replaces something of value that was lost.
We can trick our minds into sweeping wounds and situations under the rug, but they will still be there. Waiting for us to sweep them up again. To put them into their right places.
Each wound has a place in our hearts, wounds can be mended into beautiful pieces of artwork, but the artwork remains. What’s done is done , with every brush stroke. Some dark, some light. All making something beautiful.
While carrying a rainbow baby is a privilege, this baby does not heal my wounds.
I’ve placed this expectation, this undivided attention on this child to save me.
It’s not this child’s job to save me.
I cannot mark this baby as my savior, I only have one of those.