You know that scene in the movie “Bridesmaids” that Maya Rudolph ends up pooping in the street, due to food poisoning , and she says :
“It’s happening. I’m shitting in the street.”
Meanwhile, her best friend is standing back observing:
” You’re really doin’ it aren’t ya?!”
She just squats there casually as she continues to grace the street with her waste.
This has always been my favorite part, because duh, it’s hysterical.
I think it’s my favorite part because it foreshadowed what would happen to me years later after loving this scene so much.
We all know that being pregnant sparks this new found problem with intestinal issues, such as sharting and other Un-lady like issues. I burp a lot when I’m pregnant and pass gas like a 400 lb man that just downed three chill dogs and a Budweiser.
Actually, that sounds like heaven right now. The food, not the farting. I’ve got that down to a science.
So I was on the beach, watching my three children play in the sand with their Aunts. I’ve been laying pretty low today , trying not to start Braxton hicks from developing yet again. But I had to pee, you know… Real bad.
” Hey, will you watch the kids while I go in the water and pee?”
I say to my sister. Sure she says, and off I go.
First of all you should know that I am pee shy. That’s about the only shy part about me. I’m an open book , and will show you my c section scar on public, but ask me to pee in front of you…
My own husband can not look at me whilst I pee, as the stream will stop.
So urinating in the ocean is extremely difficult for me, knowing that there are several fish around staring at my butt , just waiting to laugh at me.
This takes me at least thirty minutes tops to relax each time. But this time the relaxation came before the pee.
One big wave hits me as I am bottomless and vulnerably trying to pee. Exposed to a school of elementary fish on a field trip. The first human ass they saw was mine, as I can no longer control my bathroom movements.
” Hurry along children, that human is pooping and contaminating our home. She is surely voting for Trump, quick observe how tan her legs are compared to her ass. That children is unnatural. Just like that mans skin tone. Come along, there’s more pollution coming out of her.”
The fish were right, I couldn’t control my bladder nor the other end. The baby was making me shit all in the ocean like a redneck.
Once I was relieved , yet traumatized , I see my dear children swimming towards me and all my fecal matter. Literally I saw it floating in their path to see their mother.
“NO NO NO ! GO BACK! I’ll BE OUT IN A MINUTE!”
Of course they didn’t listen, they are mine.
Dear God , please don’t let my shit float into their mouths while they swim towards me. Please don’t let them Get sick from my lack of sanitation skills.
Meanwhile an unsuspecting , seemingly clean family jumps into the water near me. I bet they are having the best vacation and they poop in toilets like normal people do. And use toilet paper instead of swirling their butts around to clean their areas.
My next prayer was that the fish would eat my poop and save me from having to blame it on my three year old.
They seemed to be having a great time. I didn’t wait to find out. I have too much self respect.
If you are reading this and you are now disgusted with me , good you should be.
But , I need you to look at the big poop in your own eye before you judge mine in the ocean.
A completely natural place to poop. It’s way more organic anyway. I did it for my health.
What have you done for your health today?