I’m in a season where I feel like I have all these dreams and desires, all this creativity that wants to blossom, but I am stuck.
I am stuck in this place of chaos in my Motherhood. My soul is desperately wanting to ” Do” and “create” , so much so that I am grieving what could be.
This morning during worship, I was yet again, late. Sunday mornings are so hard for me, no matter what time I wake up, there seems to be fights breaking out, and children missing shoes.
I was holding Adah ( 3 ) , and trying to enter into worship. Trying desperately to touch the hem of his robe. I was tired. Beat down. I needed his breath to refresh my spirit. I was feeling so very impatient with my children, so unworthy of their love.
I cried out to the Lord for him to show me my three children in heaven. It was exactly two months since we lost out last one.
As soon as I prayed that prayer, I opened my eyes to see the most gorgeous, tiny, 4 week old baby. My body began to physically ache, and my heart couldn’t take the sight of the child any longer. I held back sobs, and prayed my stomach would calm itself. I was sure I would vomit. I closed my eyes, and tried to hold back the tears.
. It has been well with my soul each time I lost a child. But just because it is well with me does not mean that it’s not excruciatingly painful.
As I was closing my eyes and swaying to the music, I saw a vision of my babies in heaven.
They were worshiping with me, all around me and saying:
” AH Mommy! He is all the colors!!”
Immediately this verse came to mind:
- God’s glory and the brightness of His presence. – Ezekiel 1:4; 1:27-28; 8:2 (KJV)
They are still children, but they are IN, and LIVING in his presence on a daily basis.
One of them said to me:
” Mommy! If you really knew him like I did you would be on your face right now.”
My children in heaven are teaching me to lay my cares aside, and worship God EVEN WHEN I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT.
EVEN WHEN I AM TIRED.
EVEN WHEN I FEEL INADEQUATE.
EVEN WHEN I’M GRIEVING.
EVEN WHEN I DO NOT FEEL HIM WITH ME.
EVEN WHEN I LONG TO HOLD THEM.
A relationship with Jesus is much like parenting a child. There are days where I do not feel like being a mother, again. There are days when yesterday I failed as a parent, and I have to muster up more strength to be patient with them the next day.
There are days in my walk with the Lord where I feel he is silent, where I have to make myself worship, even though my life is in shambles.
But each time, when I step out into what is NOT comfortable, I feel peace. I receive his presence.
As women, we are emotional beings. Our actions will be controlled by our emotions if we are not careful.
Life isn’t about how we feel, but what we know to be true.
I know what it is like to be a mother of multiple children, and long to use my gifts to be more than a mother. I was born to be a Mother, but that is not the end for me.
What were you born to be? What is stirring up in your heart that you want to birth?
I promise I’ll begin to let those gifts out if you do.