I don’t always cuss in the middle of Aldi, but when I do there is a damn good reason.
I would like to share with you, my dear readers the most horrifying moment in my whole life. My life is mostly an open book, so I might as well let you in on this too.
It was a crisp morning , perfect for grocery shopping. Lets be real, with three kids who eat like its their main job, I go to the store at least three times a day. It’s a privilege really, that’s how I keep my back up wine stash full. You never know what could happen. Someone could just come into my house and steal my main wine collection. They won’t ever know the code to the vault I have full of white summer wines. I won’t tell anyone where that is located. Not even my husband. If I told him I would have to kill him, and I don’t want to have to work. So I won’t.
So lately my monthly’s have been on the heavier side. Robust if you will. While reading this please do not feel sorry for me. I should have ordered a Diva cup YEARS ago. It’s my own fault for bleeding. I am after all, alive.
So here I am, stocking up on the wine isle. Minding my own damn business. Being a good citizen, when all the sudden I feel a bit warmer, wetter. Lighter, like I had just given birth.
Surely I couldn’t have soaked through a super plus tampon in thirty minutes. Dare I even look down at my legs?
There is was. A MASSACRE of bodily fluids running a race down my legs. Both legs were covered in blood. I felt like I needed to be holding a sword or running a feminist marathon. ( please never do that. It makes me vomit even thinking about it. We all bleed. Get over yourself.)
What does one even DO in this situation? Should I have apologized to the crowd of old people staring at my crotch like it was on fire? Should I have made an announcement to everyone?
” PLEASE EXCUSE THE BLOOD BATH MY BODY IS TAKING. AFTER I GAVE BIRTH MY BODY JUST UP AND DECIDED TO KEEP BLEEDING AND BASICALLY NEVER STOP. IM SO SORRY, HERE! THIS BOTTLE OF WINE IS ON ME.”
Surprisingly I didn’t do either of those things. I stood there in complete horror of my own body and said.
” OH SHIT! “
” Momma?! What did you just say?”
” I said thank you Lord Rhema.”
Maybe the couple behind me wouldn’t have noticed if Adah didn’t scream as loud as she could…
” OH MY GAH MOMMA YOU HAVE BLOOD COMING OUT OF YOUR VAGINA! DON’T GET IT ON MY LEGS!”
( note to take her out of my will. She is not the one who will get my wedding rings when I die.)
But they did, they saw. Just like everyone else in the entire state of NC.
I abandoned my cart and my children. Then remembered said children, went back inside and retrieved them. I did the walk of shame to my car, holding Adah as she was STILL screaming and informing me that I was in fact bleeding.
Child, shut up. I know.
I will never go back there again. Except when they have a sale. But I will be prepared.
I will be wearing a big ass pad.