I’m trying to make it until bed time today.

Each time I popped out a baby, and it was time for Matt to go back to work I would have a nervous breakdown. Lead him to the door sobbing… trying to convince him to retire at the ripe age of 26. He had had a great run in his career, but it was time to stay home with me and change diapers, break up fights and be my overall emotional support system when a Lalaloopsy went missing. I offer sex and he still leaves to make money. What is wrong with this picture?

The same thing happens to me in the Spring , when he begins working 70 hour weeks. That’s 67 hours too long for me. Being a stay at home Mom is not for the faint of heart , or the weak stomachs. Everyday I drink coffee until I have diarrhea. Convincing myself coffee is giving me more energy. In reality my body is so used to caffeine, it just kind of says hello to the first drop and then takes a nap. For the rest of the day.

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To hell with all the coffee that doesn’t help me!

Until the next morning when I need it.

It’s happening again, my husbands busy season. We see each other in passing, and have phone dates. I freak out every year, missing him and having to navigate parenthood basically alone. I’m thankful for his job, and the life he provides us. He works so hard so that I can stay home.

Some mornings I think to myself… Please don’t leave. You work too hard for me to be here. Tired. Frustrated with the kids. Frustrated with my lack of patience.

I get in a rut of washing sheets and dishes and butts that I forget WHY I ever wanted to stay at home with my babies. I fall asleep during nap time and have weird dreams that I am birthing babies out of my feet, because my vagina is so worn out from all the kids.

One second I am looking at my time hop wishing for another newborn to smell, and the next second I am scheduling a hysterectomy for my sanity, and some alone time in the hospital.

I see all the pictures of kids in their Saint Patricks day outfits and shrug my shoulders. I sent our oldest to school in a green basketball jersey. It’s green, so it works. I didn’t take a picture for your viewing pleasure, because a lot of the time my life is pretty ordinary. I do not have the energy to go above and beyond right now.  It’s 11 am, and I’m ready for a nap and a cocktail.

It is a blessing to stay home with our children. I do not take it lightly. But just because it’s a blessing, does not make it easy. Or always fun.

I love my kids. So much that I am trying to make their child hood a memorable one. I’m trying not to cry when Daddy goes to work. I’m trying to teach them to follow God. I’m trying to teach them to step out in faith, and believe that God is faithful. I’m trying to use my life to be a blessing to them. I’m trying not to fail.

I’m trying to make it until bed time today.

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