Do your children play the poke game?

In my mind there are three holy places:

Heaven – Because Jesus. 

Target- Because Clearance

Costco – Because all the things

When entering these said holy places, Angels sing. Children squeal and Mothers form slight tears of joy. All of life’s dreams seem tangible , and in those minutes or hours you feel alive. You are exactly where you need to be. You are on holy ground.

Since we have moved out into the country, we are an ungodly amount of miles away from Target and Costco. It’s manageable , and worth it. After several snow days without the husband ( landscaper ) I decided to dust off my passport and head to both holy places. Target first, because they take all my monies. Whatever is left , I buy food.

I always tell myself that getting out in public with three children under age 7 alone is a safe and sane idea. That is until I step foot out of my badass mini van, begin hooking arms and hands and thighs and toes with all said three children so they don’t die in the parking lot.

NOT TODAY.

The 7 year old decided to leave his brain in the back seat, and ran out infront of a car. The five year old was concerned about her fake American girl doll getting wet from the snow melting ( SHE ISN’T REAL RHEMA ) , and the two year old began kicking and screaming, refusing to let me hold her in the parking lot.

It was basically the best start to the best day ever.

Since it had been a hot minute since I had been in Target, my mind went into over drive. My emotions caught up with me as I began to weep in the beloved dollar section. My GOSH! They really do have everything I’ve ever wanted for under 3 bucks. Shut up kids, just choose one thing so Mommy can browse for Valentines gifts I’ll never make the time to send people. 

Oh Look! Craft area organizers. I hate crafting. I put the table upstairs on purpose so that I didn’t have to look at the mess all day long. Who really likes crafting anyway? Not my kids. They form weapons out of markers, and draw on the walls. I have a come to Jesus meeting each time I ask them to pick up the craft area. It’s as if I torture myself asking them to “craft” . What they really do is CRAP all over my clean house.

Oh look! Cute signs I can hang in the craft area to show people I am a creative Mom, and love when my children get all creative. They are budding artist, really.

Onto Costco where I wanted to put a for sale sign on them on aisle 3. Aisle three has all the natural , organic stuff that they know is healthy for them. They’ve been Clif-bared the HECK OUT.

” Do you want a clif-bar?”

NO! NO MORE OF THOSE HEALTHY ORGANIC BARS THAT TASTE LIKE CARDBOARD. GIVE ME A HONEY BUN. YOU NEVER BUY THOSE! DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME MOMMY?”

Moving on to when everyone has to urinate when we are miles away from the bathroom. Vanessa Carlton starts playing on the intercom as I walk a thousand miles just to the restroom.

If I could just spank you…. tonighttttt……. 

Getting to the restroom wasn’t the struggle. It was getting the freaking children out of the cart to pee. Both beloved daughters of mine had on snow boots to keep their tootsies warm. Oh how sweet and cozy it was lifting dead weight out of the cart, only to get their boots stuck in the leg holes.

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I do not do all the cross fit things. Lifting 40 pounds of dead weight feels like 130 rocks that are big when you are about to explode from exhaustion and lack of wine intake. When I signed up to be a Mom that night, no one warned me of the Costco trips. All I saw was a hot shower after a long day and a nice friendly talk with my husband. Next thing I knew I was pushing out a baby boy that’s face was sunny side up.

That hurts.

Do your children play the poke game? The poking game is dangerous. Where one pokes another and then a bomb goes off in the head of the poked one and everyone starts crying because life isn’t fair. Poking on Facebook is creepy and awful, and so is poking in true life.

I love all the samples in Costco, but my children do not.

” Would you like to try blue cheese on a veggie patty made with kale and other green shit?”

I love it… my kids. Not so much.

” Mom, are you going to buy Goldfish today?!”

Only if they are on sale. Momma needs chocolate covered almonds and tampons this time.

I love shopping with my children. It’s like a root canal when you refuse the numbing.

It really changes a person.

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