I started to write the caption ” my whole heart ” on the picture of our family in the mountains, but my soul told me not to. The three children pictured and my husband were not my whole heart. If I wrote that, trying to make myself feel better, I would be lying to the world.
_When we have someone we love in heaven, life’s special events become something different for a time. We find ourselves searching for that person subconsciously , and seeing space that they would have taken up that seems very empty._
During a Season where our three children are very involved in activities with me that are hands on, I find myself looking for our other two children in heaven.
Just the other day we loaded up the van to go get a Christmas tree in the mountains. A tradition we started several years ago. I counted the kids as they jumped into the van.
One, two , three.
I buckled them in and counted again. My spirit grieved the number of children I had here on Earth to buckle in ,as I told myself three was all I had for now. It was as if I had to remind myself, just three Rach. Just three.
Many days driving after picking up our oldest boy from school, I look in the backseat to see just one son. Although I am eternally grateful for the one I have the privilege of raising on Earth, I miss the one I only see in glimpses of heaven. I wish they could grow up together. They are so much a like.
Every now and then I see them, the babies we lost too soon. I don’t often share what I see, I keep it deep in my heart. I think it’s important to be careful what we share with people, to guard our hearts. But this morning during an intense worship service at our church, I feel lead to share this little story with my readers.
I awoke to our three year old, Adah telling me to” GET UP ITS TIME TO COOK MOMMA!” I had promised her she could help me bake cookies to bring to a family gathering later that day.
Hitting the start button on the coffee maker gave me hope for a jump start to a long day. Listening to the miracle liquid brewing I saw a flash of light in my right eye. I turned around quickly to see nothing but my normal messy, dysfunctional kitchen. I thought perhaps it was the sunrise reflecting off of something in the kitchen. I continued to prep the kitchen for a cookie baking session with my littles, and I saw the light again. This time the light circled around the table as Asher and Adah ran laps around it , chasing each other. No one else seemed to notice it, but I could see that this flash of light was actually following the children. Around and around it went, until they stopped.
It was then I asked the Holy Spirit what the light was, although I already knew. I knew it was our son that we lost a year and a half ago while he was still growing inside me. I knew heaven was invading earth once again and allowing him to experience his childhood with his siblings. Perhaps all the time, perhaps only on occasion. The thing about heaven invading earth is that I don’t have all of the answers. I only know what he allows me to see, and what he trusts me to know. I understand this can be a strange thing to grasp, but for me this is no odd thing. I’ve seen in the spirit realm for years. I grew up hearing about it, and seeing it .
This isn’t the first time I have seen him on our property, but this is the first time I have seen him in a flash of light like that. I usually see him in his true form, with the freckles and curly hair . The cheeky grin, and mischievous smile. This was all very new, very neat. Very comforting to my Momma’s heart.
I’ve asked myself the same questions you are perhaps asking yourself:
Why do I only see my son, and not my daughter?
I do not know that answer , and maybe I’m not meant to. It’s God’s mystery that I love. He is always keeping me on my toes. I hope to see her soon, and until then I will take every glimpse of my son that I can get.
I know there are many, many people during this Holiday season that are mourning the loss of their loved ones that have gone to heaven. The void is hard, and impossible to fill. I understand.
I am praying for you , and asking Holy Spirit to wrap his loving arms around you and fill you with a hope that only He can give.
This season is celebrated because of one thing. New life. It’s hard when our hearts are celebrating something we are mourning.
But there is always hope in Him.