So many moments I had motioned the children away from that kitchen in the two years we lived there.
Just one moment of peace to finish up dinner is all I craved. Their tiny hands at my waist, asking to try just one bite as I whisked the mashed potatoes into a creamy mush. Silence to think as I had to remember the recipe by memory alone, I was never granted.
Until today. All alone packing up what was left of our lives in that kitchen , the silence only reminded me of our loss in that house. Laboring silently as I birthed a brother our children wouldn’t know on this side of heaven. Holding back the tears with a smile when asked if Momma was sad.
Oh, Mommy’s just tired baby.
Laying down a cardboard box, the only thing to cushion my knees, I wept that I was leaving the place he was birthed. I wouldn’t ever look out the window to see where I had a memorial service in his honor. Burying the handkerchief I carried on my wedding day, then used to wipe my tears in the bathtub as my body began to pass his little body.
So many losses, so many memories in a home that was ultimately my escape from trauma in our past home. Thankful for the four walls that allowed me to mourn comfortably, love deeply, and grow immensely.
That house held me until I was ready to walk into my destiny as a woman in Christ. It was a training ground, one that was intimately gentle to allow me to fail, and to stand back up, my muscles stretched and strong.
Walking out of a hard place into what seems like a dream isn’t easy for my brain to process. But what is easy for me to understand is that He’s a good Papa. He never leaves me.
I’ve had many people ask me this question:
” Do you believe we must go through trials before we walk into our destiny?”
To this I just look at what the word says:
Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.
1 Peter 5:10
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.
The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the Lordtests hearts.
For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs; you let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.
1 Peter 1:6
In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials,
He knows us so intimately. It’s his heart to give us good gifts, but often our free will gets in the way.
He’s a good Father, so he never lets us wander far without calling us back to his heart. He’s trustworthy like that.
If I wanted to give my son a brand new toy that required him to be able to handle it on a level above which he is able, I would wait a bit.
Allow him to mature before I handed over the gift. I wouldn’t want him to misuse it , or hurt himself. In the same way our Heavenly Father gives us his good gifts, but in the timing when it’s safe.