I saw the disappointment in her eyes as I sat her on her bed for time out. It wasn’t a look of spite, but one of pure regret of her actions towards me. My Rhema isn’t one to be disrespectful very often, nor do I have to discipline her much. Today was different, there was a new boundary she wanted to cross that I wasn’t having. I love her too much to allow her behavior to become hazardous to her character. The kind, generous and vivacious spirit that she has, I want her to remain that way as she grows.
Discipline isn’t fun for either party involved. I love her, so I have to teach her how to live the right way. Being a parent in this aspect is hard, and from what I have experienced this doesn’t get any easier. In fact today as I was disciplining her I had a thought that rarely comes to mind in the midst of sleepless nights and early wake up calls from a hungry toddler.
” These days are the easy ones. I have all my children under one roof. I know who their friends are, and where they are all at times. I can control the environment in which they live and breathe in, even down to what they watch, and what they eat for dinner. These days are long, but they won’t last. I won’t be their number one go to forever. ”
After praying with her, and holding her as she cried on my shoulder she said a sentence that I will never forget.
” Momma, I’m so sorry that I was mean to you. I didn’t want to be. “
” Baby, I forgive you. You are a sweet girl, and you love Jesus. You know what is right.”
” I know. Mom, you have four babies. Not three. Asher, who came out fast but not faster than me. Then me, I came out SO fast, remember? Then Adah, she was cut from your tummy because she was stuck. Then you have a boy in heaven, but he is BIG BIG now, Bigger than me.”
This is one of the few times Rhema has spoken of a brother than she never has heard of, or met. This time my eyes didn’t fill with tears, but instead I smiled.
I smiled because it’s okay with me.
It’s not okay that I won’t hold him in my arms, that I’ll never rock him to sleep. What is okay is that he is loved more in heaven than any love he could receive here. I can finally say that it is well with my soul. My son is in a place that I want to be when my life here is through. There isn’t a better place to grow up in, is there?
Grow big and tall Jude boy. Mommy is loving and watching you from down here.