The tears streamed down my face as I walked away from the mailbox. The neighbors dog clearly hates my hair today. He didn’t say a word about that way I curled it underneath my chin. He hates me. Just look at the way he’s sitting there chewing his bone. He didn’t even glance my way.
One of my eyelashes keeps pointing downwards , so I can’t go out in public because everyone will think I’m a cross dresser. It makes sense now that my boobs have been removed by my childrens hungry jaws. Savages. Hungry ones.
My husband hasn’t texted me in five minutes. He must have hated what I made for dinner last night. Just because kale isn’t a manly food doesn’t mean he has to not text me back. Doesn’t he remember all the good times we’ve shared together? Will we get a divorce? Oh my gosh I cannot support myself. When I’m older I’ll become a crazy cat lady with 27 cats. What if someone calls the humane society and I lose them too?
One of the kids disobeyed again. What if they become worthless adults because I pick up their socks for them? Should I make them have more chores? I’m the worst mother on the planet. I’m feeding them Ramen noodles for dinner. What if they remember this night for the rest of their lives? The night Mom fed them cheap food while she drank her organic wine? Failure.
Lets face it, being on our periods makes us think and do stupid crap. Today while I was in a funk of draining blood, I came up with a funny idea for a Facebook video. I was literally cleaning underneath my sofa because I had the sudden urge to control my environment. I thought it would be hilarious to make a video of ” what is underneath a Mother’s couch”, and post it.
I placed underneath the couch these items:
a box of tampons
a shot glass
a cheese grater
a box of blueberries
Goldfish ( already there )
The plan was to video the vacuum cleaner sucking up these items, and write a funny caption. Easy enough right? Funny right? I thought so.
With the items in place I turned on the vacuum in the name of entertainment. I didn’t take into account the size of the shot glass was slightly smaller than the hose. In the shot glass goes.
30 minutes later I removed it without the help of the fire department. Still determined to make the stupid video , I tried again. Trying hard for the box of tampons, which would of course be the most funny part of the video, I ended up accidentally sliding it too far back into the back of the sofa.
I look at the time. It was dangerously close to time to shower before I got my daughter from Preschool. I showered quickly , and soon noticed my feminine need for a tampon. No problem, I have a whole huge box. Which is right he…..
Junk. I hurried to the living room to try and retrieve the box. With no such luck with only my arm, I moved the cheese grater out of the way to see how far I had to go. Too far. This called for my broom. Time was ticking as I jabbed the broom stick every which way to try and move the box. I realized how ridiculous I looked to my two year old so I stopped. Surely I had another tampon somewhere.
If I kept going on like this I would be late picking my kid up.
” Sorry teacher, I was making a funny video and couldn’t get my tampons out from under the sofa. Sorry I’m late. And Immature.”
It was in that moment that I thought, you know what. God probably designed periods to be a blissful thing. If it wasn’t for Eve biting that apple then maybe we would hear conversations between women like:
” I know Jan. I just love when my monthly flow comes. I feel so feminine and confident. It’s like there isn’t anything I cannot do. Including the 13 loads of laundry I just completed. Ha! And I managed to make freezer crock pot meals for the next 4 years! Isn’t being a woman the BEST?”
” Oh Meredith, I wish I could say that I have as much energy as you do. But I have more. I’m currently in my favorite time of the month. See, on my calendar I’ve marked the days red for love. It’s my period days. There’s nothing like them. Why Joseph can’t get enough of me during those days. All I want is affection from him. Not to mention how I love the way my diva cup fits. Thanks for coming over for coffee. I was getting sort of lonely ironing my underwear. I always smile when I iron those special pairs for that time of the month. There’s such a calmness that overwhelms my spirit about my uterus emptying all that my body didn’t use. What a fun experience.”
It’s a Friday night and all I need is someone to get that box of tampons out from under the sofa, bring me a gallon of chocolate ice cream, then go away.