Once upon a sanity check we took all three children under 6 to a Department store looking for ONE pair of dress shoes. There is nothing that stands the test of time in your marriage like this one of a kind experience. We are still married, and our children did not die. This blog will prove it. Thanks for listening, amen.
The shopping trip began just fine,( IN THE PARKING LOT THEY WERE FINE ) but as soon as the Haggerty family entered those double doors all went down hill.
My brain is still twitching from the fact that Rhema went up to a male mannequin, and inspected his male parts. I’m talking pulled down his pants to see if in fact he had a penis. He did not in case anyone ever wondered if they do. I did. Which is probably why she looked. Because I made her, poor thing. I corrected her, but the elderly woman behind me just shook her head in disbelief. I turned to her and said:
” So sorry you had to see that. She’s 3 and very curious. “
No response. It’s fine, I hope she prayed for me.
It wasn’t long before Adah decided to make looking for shoes a game of hide and seek. Listen, I am a huge fan. She knows this. Which is why she repeatedly ran from me and hid inside clothing wracks. I need to explain she can hide at home, not in public. This may help her chances of survival.
A sweet , innocent man began helping Matt size his dress shoes. By this time I have the two older ones in chairs, in which I’ve chained them to. Adah on my hip so she won’t run frantic and possibly, accidentally toddler shop lift. She had her eye on a few Mens wallets that were on clearance.
The man sweetly looks at Rhema, our dear child , who is too pretty for her own good. She also is no lady… so far. We are working on manners, closing your legs when you sit, and not burping in her brothers face.
He says : ” OH! I like your shoes! Did you get those here?”
Rhema begins laughing so hard that she lets out the largest, longest fart that I have ever heard in my life. By this time I was way too exhausted to do anything but laugh hysterically while I covered my face in her Hello Kitty jacket. Maybe if I covered my face he wouldn’t recognize me when I came back to get those jeans that I had my eye on.
Also, farts in public make me laugh so hard that sometimes I have to run to the nearest Restroom to relieve myself. As soon as I realize I may have to go soon Rhema shouts:
” MOM I THINK I JUST PEED A DROP IN MY DORA PANTIES!”
Wonderful. The laughter continues until tears stream down my face, and as I look up I see Matt trying to hold it together with said shoe salesman. His face bright red, like a little blushing bride to be. Giggly and cute. I look away because I have a kid with possible pee running down her leggings. I fixed the problem of the panties. But there was one problem I could not fix.
The pee had gotten in just one shoe.
The clerk gave Matt a serious discount without saying a word. He either:
A: Felt sorry for our parenting skills.
B: Just wanted our children out of his store, so he made a quick sale. Which I get it, they were trying to play with his calculator.
C: ALL OF THE ABOVE.
In this I learned very valuable lessons , but I cannot share them with you because then you will be a perfect parent like me. Sorry.