I lay beside him , watching him breathe, then stop. He stopped long enough for me to awake him, sit him up and have him cough. 3 seconds was too long for me. 3 seconds was eternity. Eyes dancing and palms sweating I waited for him to take his next breath.
All night long I watched him sleep. Sleep would come the next night , but for that moment I was watching over my son, whom I was sure had bronchitis. I laid a cold compress on his head as I prayed for his fever to break. All the while he was completely peaceful. Asleep. It was I who laid awake tormented.
It’s pretty freaky what your mind can come up with at 4 am, running on no sleep. I was convinced I would loose him too. That somehow he wouldn’t take his next breath, that I would have to surrender another son to heaven.
I held him closer than I did when he was a newborn. Sobs rocked me as I prayed aloud for him to breathe correctly. In all reality, he was fine. But to me …. this was urgent. I wrapped my arms around his little 6 year old body. Felt the warmth of his fever 5 hours in and dozed off involuntarily.
I awoke with a start. Reached my right hand over to feel him breathing and cool to the touch. No fever. With a sigh of relief I rolled back over and out of bed I went . My feet hit the floor and I knew today was a battle for my peace. I could feel the tension between the peace in my spirit and what my day would bring .
I was so sweaty from stress. I splashed cold water on my face and gave myself a pep talk. I can make dinner. Today has been a thousand years long, but I can do this with love. I can be sane enough to put a few pieces of chicken and broccoli on little plates.
Preparing the assembly line I was overcome with joy. Unexplained joy, as my day was horrific. I turned the worship music louder as my body surrendered to the anointing in the words. Something in my spirit cried out to express gratitude, even for my lousy day.
Alone in the kitchen I began to dance. I had no choice but to move my body about. I became limber and free as I flowed along with the music. Not caring if a soul in the world was watching I continued the dance. Around and around my body went in a circular motion, intertwining with heavens sounds. I couldn’t stop twirling, for fear that I may lose this moment here on earth, feeling heaven.
The rag in my hand became my flag as I waved it about, closing my eyes and praising him regardless of my circumstances. My eyes were awakened to the fact that HIM in me wasn’t tired. He wasn’t weary or hungry for his supper. He was peaceful. He was happy.
I LET HIM OUT
My dance exploded as my children watched. My body had no other choice but to dance and praise him. I knew in that moment I had no right to be grumpy. To shout at my children for lack of patience. He in me was patient and kind. Waiting to aid me.
As I twirled I felt chains of disappointment fall. My mind became refreshed and I was just His DAUGHTER parading around in a new dress , begging for his admiration. Papa look! That he gave me. I was a princess in his eyes, twirling about. The smile on my face created new lines upon my cheeks, the lines of love that forever will be mine.
Suddenly I had no reason to complain in this life. What he had done for me on the cross was far greater than what I had done for him that day. He had been with me all the while and I wasn’t listening, or feeling. Seeing or noticing.
I felt him then. I felt him as I let go of my human frustrations and gave him praise. I felt him when I laid down my burdens, and in return he gave me rest in my dance for him. As my arms went up towards heaven I knew.
I knew this life wasn’t to glorify me , but to give him praise regardless. In return he gives me joy that makes me dance in the middle of my kitchen.