How to wean your toddler, and wet your pants.

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My youngest daughter is almost two , so I’ve been trying for a few weeks now to slowly wean her off of constant day feedings. My boobs can only handle so much suction per hour.

She’s so sucky.

Limiting her using me as a pacifier has been easier than I thought . Just kidding, it’s been hellacious . Since my plan is to have her weaned before college , I’ve put a few actions into effect.

I’ve found that she usually wants to nurse when I am sitting , this does not exclude the toilet. She is no respecter of sanitation or privacy . In response to this , today I’ve avoided sitting as much a possible.

This is unfortunate for my tiny baby bladder , but I just had to avoid her favorite dining spot as much as I could. Not sitting proved to be very productive. Who knew not sitting on the couch all day watching Nick Jr. Would allow you to get things done? News to me.

The floors were moped , laundry was folded but my bladder was pleading to be emptied. Ok, I’ve got this. I’ll just run in there , drop my pants , pee real quick and get back to work. Maybe she won’t even hear me go in there.

I rushed to the place that once provided me such peace , dropped my pants and out it came.

This feels odd. Is the toilet flooding? Why am I so warm and so wet? Am I having a serious hormonal hot flash? I’m not even 30 yet. Can your butt even sweat that much? Why would it just be my butt sweating? That’s so disgusting. I hope I never do this in public . Especially not in Target. It will look like I peed my pants.

Peed my pants. Panties. For the love of God , I still have my underwear on don’t I ?

My daughter enters the bathroom as I realize how stupid I really am. She knew it too… ” Mommy go pee pee!”

Yes dear, next time can I borrow one of your diapers ? It will be much easier for me.

I couldn’t very well get up and have the urine go all over the freshly moped floor. The floor I mopped avoiding this moment in time. The time where she points to my breasts and asks for milk.

What the hell kid, hop on up here and nurse. Mommy has to wait until her panties are dry enough to get up.

Note to readers: don’t ever ask me parenting advice again. I’m not safe.

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