My dearest children that I have,
Mommy loves you with a deep love, so furious, so intense that sometimes this love needs a small break. Only to refuel for the next explosion of love, and other things like diapers. Maybe 9-12 am, Tuesdays and Thursdays? Perhaps.
This is only a suggested time schedule, although I did already pay your registration fee. And you cannot yet make educated decisions. So you’re going. And you will like it.
As the summer ends, so does Mommy’s tan. And patience. I’ve changed the filter in the vacuum cleaner too many times from sucked up Goldfish. Goldfish you ate for breakfast without telling me, as I was still asleep at 6 AM. Being the good mother I am I offered you free range egg omelets as you declined, with Goldfish still in your teeth. Some how I find this to be an oxymoron, but then again I didn’t listen in school. I was too busy not being there. Oxy makes me think of clean, and moron is an insult. Mommy was a moron skipping school, don’t do that. Listen up.
Mommy needs you to go back to school for several reasons.
1) So I can shower without tiny hands trying to help me shave my legs . I really think I will cut the cost of band aids in our budget if I do this alone. Pun intended.
2) So I can pack your lunch and you will actually EAT the nutritious food we pay so much for. When you are home you snack. Like a wild bear in heat. I’m not sure if they go into heat, but God bless the Mother’s that have to catch all those fish. They can’t even drink wine. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. PETA.
3) Mommy won’t sleep until 9:36 AM and lay there breastfeeding. When I do this I burn 273923729732937 calories, and get shaky as soon as my feet hit the floor. Someone hand me a tub of lard please and a latte. Raw sugar, half and half. Make that heavy whipping cream and a side of fat back. Disregard all I’ve read about Monsanto.
4) Mommy needs to hear herself think about important things like… I wonder what is on Clearance at Target this week…and do I have any clean underwear or will I have to wear Rhema’s?
5) My back is split in half with pain from picking up your toys, and praying to the Lord that you will get along. I look like a Chinese monk with all my bending. You would think I’m converting, but I’m just praying as I bend. Plus women cannot be Monk’s. That’s because of Obama. Just like everything else that’s a problem.
6) You require structure that I cannot give you because I am too busy trying to poop alone. I do not have IBS, but rather I have… ” IBS” IBS all day long .
” Jesus says eat your salad before ice cream” and ” I’m calling your Daddy if you don’t lay down for nap.”
7) Go to school I’m tired.
8) Go to school, Mommy loves you.
9) SHHHHH go to school
10) have a great day!