For the vacationing parents

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We all know vacation with children is the most relaxing thing on the planet. I’m sure everyone has been looking at our pictures and coveting the sandy beach booties as the children frolicked in the crashing waves.

Ah , the serenity of it all just makes me take a deep breath of chemical sunscreen right up my nostrils , all the while cleaning sand out of my toddlers butt crack as she takes a fist full and throws it in my hair.

The exfoliation of it all is impeccable. My c section scar is barely visible , too many tiny sea shells in my suit from playing mermaids in the water. 178 times we played that game. If I had any dry skin at all , it doesn’t matter. Because beer .

Can we talk about how vacation is GREAT for married life? You know what I mean. The romance is almost untamable. The flirty texts during the day you wouldn’t want you mother to read. Mostly because she is there on vacation with you. And sex is still wrong in the same house as your Father.

The foreplay first begins in the shower , hot and steaming. Wait too steamy. What’s that smell ? The baby drops a massive load that you have to clean up with toilet paper because no one can hear you screaming for assistance. Or bleach. So there you stand , alone with your baby and her poop.

With three children in our one bedroom the odds of sexy time are slim, but so is the chance I remembered to shave my legs. Or put a diaper on our three year old for bedtime. Crap. Pause.

With the hopes of martial bliss just around the corner , I put on said diaper, all the while perfectly bending over just slightly as to seduce my husband.

The bend and snap works with changing diapers too. Oops. Sorry I dropped that Pampers there, let me get that.

Then came the really hot part. I laid beside my now snoring husband , you know meaning I slammed my face on my pillow as to wake him up slightly . He would slowly turn and I would look like a homeless supermodel. Usually paid well but without money , would you adopt me ? I mean marry me?

The baby cries suddenly as husband turns around , ready to make the first move. Wife sighs as she jumps out of bed , careful not to wake the other two angels asleep on the air mattress. But she trips on her sheet she grabbed to be sexy and all scandalous , like on those movies and crap.

Wife hits floor with face and just like that all three children are awake. Singing praise songs to The Lord. Or rather, crying for freaking Oreos they had for dessert.

Wife and husband tame the hungry animals with promises of Oreos for breakfast, all the while lying , and gazing into each others eyes.

Husband still has hope and wife wants to castrate husband.

And just like that , free birth control and exercise. Suddenly no one is in the mood for anything but the back of their eye lids and whiskey , but there is none.

Grocery list : whiskey

Pampers

Condoms for next anniversary weekend when we are 76, 75.

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