The heart just for me

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Some days I wake up , arms aching to embrace the baby we lost , Jude.

Some days I wake up not thinking of him , it’s more who do I need to feed and where’s my coffee. Then my heart reminds me. He’s not here with me. My fourth baby.

This morning I woke up extra mournful. My body physically hated me as I got out of bed and started my day, missing him. The boy I see but can’t touch.

I saw him at the grocery store today, blonde hair blues eyed asking his Mom for a pack of Oreos. I saw him in my son Asher , riding a boogie board for the first time. I saw him in our youngest as she nursed on me on the hot sandy beach. I saw him in his Daddy as he loaded up the boat to go fishing.

I asked Jesus for something to make me smile, as my heart was heavy . I needed a reminder of his love for me.

As I walked up to the ocean shore to keep a watch on Asher (6) riding his boogie board for the first time I saw it. My face formed the biggest grin as I traced my finger along the lines of a heart in the sky. To some it was just lines, made by an airplane accidentally. But to this Mommas heart it was love.

The heart wasn’t perfect, but I didn’t care. I loved it all the same. It’s lines and curves made my whole day.

I was loved. He was watching me.

The heart in the sky didn’t last long , and I knew why. Jude didn’t last long here , but his life will forever make me proud. His life strengthened me and taught me to be grateful for the children I have on this earth.

So even when he is not here with me riding the waves and fighting over who can have the last beloved Oreo on our family vacation he is loving me from the heavenly places.

His life was like the heart. Beautiful in my eyes, although cut short he still impacted me. Imperfect , he went to a place where he would become perfect.

For the first time I saw and released him into Jesus’s arms as not my own. He’s not mine to raise up and make a man.

Instead he is raising me up and making me a woman.

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