Not ready to jump

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Slowly I’m beginning to laugh and let myself enjoy the smiles on my children’s faces. I’m letting the sun gaze on my face and letting myself feel again. For a few days I didn’t feel. I just was surviving.

Now that I’m more functional and aware I’ve noticed a few things about loss. I’ve noticed for the love of God HOW insensitive well meaning people can be.

If you have a friend that has suffered a loss, whether this baby was 4 or 37 weeks old , please be gentle. I’m learning even in my own words how hurtful one can be.

Well meaning, yes. Sensitive not so much. And I’m speaking to myself . These ” harmless comments” , such as:

” At least you didn’t have to see his face as you delivered him. That would have been horrible.”

” At least The Lord took him early, could you imagine his nursery all set up?”

” Your body should recover fast, he wasn’t that big yet.”

” So I guess you’ll try again. But I hope your body will be able to do it again after four.”

” I think this means you should try again. “

” I bet it’s hard to be around babies right?!”

I could go on , but I’ll stop. I’ll stop because they don’t know what they are saying. They don’t know the words that hurt to my core.

His life was meaningful to me. His mother.

We weren’t trying to have anymore children. Content with our three gorgeous babies. I still am. But it doesn’t make his loss any easier.

It’s not difficult for me to be around babies. In fact I thrive around them. It’s all I know. Being around a baby brings me joy and comfort in knowing they made it. They are a sheer miracle in this world.

So no, I don’t covet your newborn. I just wanted mine. And maybe in the future when I hold another new life I may get a glimpse of sadness for what could have been, but it will quickly diminish because I know the Maker of life and of death. I know what happened to me wasn’t a punishment. That’s not how Papa works.

He knows me and loves me. He is good at all times.

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Today our usually reserved when it comes to dare devil acts three year old said to me while swimming:

” I’m ready momma. “

” Ready for what baby?”

” I’m ready to jump off the diving board.”

So along we went. Cameras in hand and cheers gallore. Rhema you can do this. You’re brave and wonderful. We are all here waiting to see you jump.

The first couple tries resulted in tears and backing off the diving board. I didn’t push her. I smiled and we climbed off. We will try again tomorrow sweetie. You’re doing great.
Then finally I left her with her aunts , thinking her trying was over for the day.

As I started walking back to check our youngest swimming with another aunt the cheers erupted.

” SHE DID IT! She jumped !!”

She didn’t need me. She needed to do it without my hands guiding her arms. My previous encouragement had given her the strength to jump. My calmness and delight in her willingness gave her strength. I had a proud momma moment in the midst of my grief. That’s possible you know. To smile when you’re dying inside.

It’s only possible with Jesus.

He overwhelms my face and the shape of my lips into a smile. Isn’t that how grief works? We slowly begin to smile . We slowly begin to see life like he sees us.

You see , he is so so patient with us . He allows us to be scared at the end of the diving board because he delights in the fact that he knows we will eventually jump. He wants the decision to be ours alone to be courageous . Otherwise that isn’t true love. That’s control. If I had forced Rhema to jump despite her fears do you think the would have enjoyed it half as much? Maybe.

But she would have never learned the value of self will. Self will can be so profound , so good when we allow of selfs to be consumed with his spirit.

Today I believe that’s what Rhema did. She saw she was afraid, but look at all the people that love her and are for her jumping. Look at the crowd that was awaiting her success.

That’s why it’s so important to surround ourselves with people that build us up. Not tear us down.

That’s what Jesus does. He is so patient with us in our grief. When you’re ready daughter we will jump together. Until then I’ll stand on the side of the diving board cheering you on. Not pushing you. But lovingly smiling at you. Showing you I am for you, regardless of your readiness to jump.

Today I took a tiny jump when Rhema did. My newest soared that even when her Momma is going through hell , she is not. She is jumping and kicking and laughing. She is proud of herself and fearless.

I pray all our children will learn to live fearlessly.
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Learn to live for him and through him. I trust him with my whole life and with theirs. For his is so good.

Next week I may take on the high dive in my life. Until then he is with me smiling because I’ve chosen to jump in the 2 feet.

And he’s dang ok with it.

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