This morning as I awoke to breakfast in bed and a caramel latte with whole milk, 3 shots, scrambled eggs with cheese and homemade whole wheat bread with strawberry jam my husband asked :
” how did you sleep last night? How are you feeling right now!?”
I don’t know honey. Rhema’s butt is in my face and I have left over breast milk stain on my shirt that’s beginning to smell like a water treatment plant. Speaking of water treatment plant WHAT is that smell, did you just change Adahs diaper or is that my breath? I’ll get back to your question after I finish my dream I was just having.
I got the kids ready for church, bathed and fed. Sundays are always hard getting out the door and making sure no one looks homeless. This mornings breakfast for me consisted of 3 cups of coffee to feel the burn and a leftover Krispy Kreme doughnut which I burned off in just one suck of Adah nursing. Needless to say I expected to feel the shakes early on in the day but I didn’t.
At church during worship I was holding Adah in my arms. Which is rare, everyone always wants to hold her, which I’m fine with. No one charges me by the hour there and I’m happy for my arms to get a break from lifting weights. I’m the top of my Crossfit class. I may look 2 T ish but I can lift a fat baby like a boss.
She was squirming and so I put her down. I watched her start swaying to the music and singing. I’m not talking jibber jabber, I mean it sounded like a beautiful song. As I watched her I saw she knew what she was doing. All her 15 months of life she has been by someone’s side, in someone’s arms that is worshipping on a Sunday morning. If she could learn to walk successfully, why couldn’t she learn to worship as well?
:: Pay attention Rach.::
To what Lord? To my daughter? I know I see her worshipping. It’s adorable. So adorable I had to get out my phone and get a shot of her doing it. I want to bite her face off I can’t stand the cuteness.
:: yes but pay attention::
Ok. Eyes wide open. People probably thought I was choking on the communion bread but I was trying so hard to pay attention. It wasn’t until the ride home that I noticed what it was he was trying to show me.
Matt asked again, ” How do you feel today? I spent a long time last night after you went to sleep praying over your body and your mind.”
Then it hit me. I had had three cups of coffee, like a moron and I felt no shakes, no nerve issues. No anxiety. No chest pain. No stiffness or fear. I just felt like me. The whole me. Why hadn’t I noticed it before? I was so preoccupied with my day. Watching Adah. Serving in the nursery. Drinking more coffee. Concurring Asher’s phobia of pooping in public places, I hadn’t noticed how I felt.
After putting the kids down for glorious naps I sat down to write. He asked me to wait a minute and so I sat here listening. He began to reveal something and I’m going to try to put it in simple terms.
When you first meet someone that you are interesting in dating life becomes exciting right? You leave your phone on vibrate in your pocket and wait for that special someone to call. Your mind is constantly on that person. You dress up for them and wear clothes that are more flattering. Women, you fix your hair more and shower more often. At least I did.
You go on a series of dates and you become official. Exclusively that persons significant other. It is only a matter of time before you have your first argument. You make up quickly, seeing as how much you miss them. You learn a lot about that person in the process, in the hard arguments , but in the same aspect you learn a lot about yourself. Your faults and things you wouldn’t haven noticed had that person not pointed them out to you.
Having your faults pointed out isn’t fun. No one wants to hear how they need to change in areas or what they are doing wrong, but in the end ( in a healthy relationship) this is a good thing. You end up growing closer to this person as you change and become more lovable BECAUSE you were open to it. And because you love this person. Then you go on to get married and have children. That’s a whole different ball game.
There’s no room to be selfish, and you become a lot like your spouse. Your humor becomes similar in most cases and but you show love in different ways. The way I show Matt love is not the way he shows it to me. Sometimes that becomes frustrating because I want him to show me love in the same way I give it.
Isn’t this what I expected of my Jesus all these years?
Lord if you love me you will heal me RIGHT now. You’ll fix my problems because I know that your plans for me are good. There’s no harm in just healing me right this second. I believe that you can. I believe you can take all anxiety from my body.
I believe whole heartedly that it’s his great pleasure to heal his children. He loves us with a tremendous love and never likes seeing us in pain.
In my case I feel like he wanted to date me a little longer. There was moments in my hard season that he romanced me because I had to lean on his love something fierce. He was showing me love the entire time, I just chose not to see it because it was in a different way of my love display.
If he had healed me immediately I would have missed so many sweet times with him. I would have missed so many dates and first fights and hand holdings before we were married. I wouldn’t have known his heart like I do now , through my grief. Through dating him. He was really able to show himself strong in my weakness.
Is he a spiteful God? Heck no, but he used this hard time in my life to lift me up onto his lap. If my life was roses and butterflies how could I have seen his strong hand? How could I have seen his fierce love and affection for me. I would have given his number up to a friend.
Here, he’s not my type.
But instead, he knew I wouldn’t die from anxiety. I’m not going to die because of my hurting heart. I’m not going to die because I’ve lived in three houses with my three children this year. No. I’m going to live and tell the world how redemptive he is to us. How he can turn any situation around for our good, but when he wants to.
He always wants to. But is he still dating you right now? Or are you married?
Married couples accept love from different love languages. They have to in order to be sane .
In order to feel loved, we must first accept it in a way that is new, or different. That way it rocks us to our very core.
Because it’s always his motive to love us. It all boils down to love.
Will you let him romance you in the rain or do you long to run inside ?