The fact that I had chosen NOT to get wine at dinner with our three beautiful children to save some money should have been a warning sign that I would in fact NEED some.
We always go through that honeymoon stage where we think and even say aloud…
” Oh yes, let’s go out to dinner as a family honey. It will be fun. This restaurant is loud enough, they won’t hear the kids. ”
It was past Adah’s bedtime anyway, but we were hopeful we could feed her enough food to keep her quiet. I mean happy. Keep her quiet sounds so harsh. But quiet is so good. And she was, until we ran out of food. That kid eats more than me.
The waiter comes to the table to take our drink orders.
” I’ll have a water with lemon please. ”
Rhema: ” do you have boosha? ” (kombusha)
“I’m sorry what do you mean?”
” Mommas beer she lets me drink.”
Wonderful. That was fun explaining. I couldn’t very well order one now. He already thinks I’m an alcoholic mother who shares in her addiction with her three year old.
Rhema has started to notice when people are overweight. This is not fun. She was sitting beside me in the booth. And by sitting I mean her tiny butt was in the air bending down looking for her doll she dropped. She farted in my face and proceeded to say across the table to her Daddy
” Did you HEAR that Daddy? That was loud!”
I pinched her booty and jokingly said ” you’re so big Rhema!”
Just then, of course as if our paths were supposed to cross just for this blog a sweet, elderly very obese woman walks by our table.
” I’m not big Momma, but SHE is!”
“Here is your bread , can I get you a refill of water?”
Instead of water can I make that a different clear liquid. Like vodka? Is that the same price or no?
I ordered a steak to compensate for my lack of body fat. And in hopes of gaining a pound or 58 I added extra butter to my bread. While eating my steak Rhema states she is climbing under the table to go see Adah . Adah was happy as a clam eating steak, green beans, bread, mashed potatoes and cucumbers. Oh and salad. Tomatoes. Croutons. Cheese. And licking the ranch. So naturally I didn’t want her disturbed as she would surely freak out, notice she hasn’t nursed in 5 minutes and start crying.
Rhema didn’t listen to my instructions and ducked under the table to go see Adah. Listen I was enjoying every bite of this steak. It’s rare , no pun intended that we go out as a family and that I get a big juicy steak. With A 1 sauce. I could go on for days about my lust for that sauce. If Matt was a sauce, he would be A 1 . When I fasted meat for a year , I dipped my veggies in A 1 to trick myself into thinking I was eating steak.
So I’m eating my steak and feel a tiny hand run across my leg. I look up at Matt and think surely not here. I mean I know I look irresistible eating this man sized steak but wait until we get home please.
It’s Rhema trying to get across. Oh yeah I forgot. So I stick my leg out to hold her back . Go back to your seat Rhem. Eat your dinner. No no no.
So I hold my leg there with her squirming while I’m thinking of the perfect opening line to my Mother of the year speech. If you looked at me from another table you would have thought… Oh look how peaceful that mother looks sitting there enjoying her meal with her family. She isn’t even breaking a sweat. The sweat was in my leg .
She escapes and I have to finally deal with it. I put her back in her seat and that results in tears. Then Rhema started crying.
I have to pee pee Momma. Oh good , I do too with all that water I drank pretending it was a Long Island iced tea. Let’s go potty kids.
We get in there and I think we are alone. We were not.
“Asher honey. Did you pee on the seat?”
“Yes mom that is what boys do. I always do.”
” Daddy doesn’t. ”
” But daddy pees outside when he is working. I can’t pee outside here. Can I?”
Oh hi middle aged woman staring me down at the sink. I wanted to apologize to you for that convo but instead I smiled at you and washed my kids hands who for sure touched every possible nasty thing in that bathroom .
I’m sure this will happen again and again and I will laugh every time.
Isn’t it awesome that even after we are loud and annoying and rude that Jesus never tires of us. He never needs a break or time to himself but he is all ours all the time. That amazes me. He is so patient and kind.
He doesn’t ever tire of me. Of you. He always orders water.